Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
