Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You made out with two different species that night
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
