i was rollin on her like bob the builder
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
