she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Who died my cat blue again?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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