how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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