a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
