we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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