rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
