I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
