I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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