so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
