Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
