True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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