I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
