Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
