Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
