i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
