The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
40s are totally the cure
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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