that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
