End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
