Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
