I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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