I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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