Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
