you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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