please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
