I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
