Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We just shotgunned beers for America
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
