now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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