Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
