better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
