Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
