Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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