Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
