I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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