Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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