My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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