I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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