I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
