I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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