Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just high enough for therapy.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
