the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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