so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just pee around me
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
