chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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