I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
