the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
