You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
