Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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