I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's shark week go big or go home
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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