i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
