You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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