yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
