If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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