Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
