Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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