She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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