i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
