I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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